Am I Now the Guy?

Being in a long-term marriage affords one the opportunity to witness the ever-changing stages of human behavior. I'm not into defining anyone with typical gender-based roles but from my own experience, if you give a man and woman enough time and exposure to one another, they're going to slip in and out of one another's shoes every now and then.

When we started out almost 29 years ago, our roles were fairly traditional. My husband and I both held full-time jobs until the kids came. After that, he made the bulk of the money and I stayed home with our children, taking a few part-time jobs along the way. Our emotional behavior was pretty traditional, too. He said as few words as possible, rarely broke down in tears and approached most of our problems from a rational, logical point of view. I, on the other hand, always wanted to discuss our issues (usually right as he was falling asleep), could be brought to tears by any top 40 country song and dismissed his rational approach as cold and unfeeling. As you can imagine, these differences impeded our communication more than once.

Twenty years ago, my aunt warned me it would all change. She and her husband were just getting used to retirement when she said to me, "Hang in there. He's going to be a lot different after 55. When his job isn't the be all and end all that it once was, it'll be easier. You'll see, you're going to get yourself a whole different husband."

What she didn't tell me was that he was going to get a whole different wife.

I never would have expected that I would NOT want to talk, that I would enjoy spending time by myself or that I wouldn't need as much romantic affirmation as I used to. I never saw this change coming. The person whose body I now inhabit seems like a stranger. The behavior that I often exhibit seems a lot less loving, a lot less sensitive.

Now I need to have someone tell my husband to hang in there.

Together Alone

Last night my husband and I had the house to ourselves. Not such an unusual thing these days, what with one of our kids gone and the other one making herself scarce as much as humanly possible. So I quickly changed into my French Maid outfit and we . . . Just kidding. Of course I did no such thing. Who do you think we are? Brad and Angie? No, we took advantage of our time alone in the way that all long-time married people will understand. I sat on the deck happily devouring my latest issue of People Magazine while he dutifully mowed the lawn.

Okay, so we're not the most romantic couple on the planet. Years living apart for weeks at a time may have made us a little too self-reliant; a little too independent. It seems as if we're always heading in different directions, hampered by opposing body clocks and work schedules. When he's in the mood to go out to dinner and a movie, I have to work. When I call to invite him to meet me for lunch, he's in the middle of creating a spreadsheet. Now that we don't have to worry about taking care of two kids, you would think carving out time to be a couple would be a lot easier. You would think.

I did tear myself away from the latest Royal Wedding update to fix us a delicious (not to mention healthy) grilled chicken and salad dinner, which seemed to make him pretty darn happy. We sat on the deck, sharing the events of the day as we admired his lawn mowing artistry. After that, we took a long walk around the neighborhood, commenting on everyone's landscaping skills or lack thereof. Once home, we capped off the evening by firing up the DVR and enjoying the latest episode of The Office.

It may not be everyone's idea of romance. But it works for us.