You Cannot Be Serious

Tonight I found out a shocking secret about my husband. No, he isn't having an affair. No, he hasn't embezzled funds from his place of business. No. What he confessed was something completely unbelievable. He has never paid an overdue fee at the library. Being the proud, not to mention frequent, benefactor of our local literary emporium, I expressed profound incredulity at this fact. "Never?" I asked. "You've never forgotten about a book; never lost a book?" He stared at me as if I had two heads. "Absolutely not. Why would anyone do that?" he replied, in imminent danger of being struck by the nearest heavy object.

Library fines are just the tip of the iceberg. He's never run out of gas; never paid a dime in credit card interest or late fees and never forgotten about a scheduled appointment/meeting/lunch date. He has agenda books as old as our children that are referenced frequently and protected like valuable first-editions. His life is a study in discipline, order and logic. In short, the exact opposite of yours truly.

I try. God knows, I try. I make lists. I put things on the fridge calendar. I even tried a Palm Pilot. Problem is, you have to remember to take the list with you, you have to glance at the calendar, you have to input info into the personal assistant. All of these minor details seem to be beyond me. And since I can no longer remember what I wanted when I get to the top of my staircase, I think it's safe to say that ship has sailed.

So, I'll have to be content with the satisfaction I felt today when I made my latest trip to the library, walking out without paying a dime. That makes me two for two. I know I'll never land on my husband's planet but, if I stay focused, I'll finally be able to orbit it for awhile. The downside is, that library better organize a decent fundraiser. They're going to miss me.