It doesn't take much these days for me to doubt everything I've done as a mother over the past twenty-four years. There are times when I question every instinct I've ever had; times I feel overpowering regret over choices I made; times I think maybe I wasn't such a great mother after all.
When you see your kids struggling to find their way, you start wondering what your participation in their troubles might be. Were you tough enough? Did you have a balance of discipline and tenderness? Did you encourage them on the road to success and comfort them during moments of failure? Did you shelter them too much from life's disappointments? Right now, I'm doubting it all.
The catalyst for my current bout of insecurities is the family my daughter is working for. They don't allow their four-year old twins to watch any TV, the toddlers have chores to do every day, and before bed, they contemplate the ups and downs of their day. They eat meals and snacks at pre-determined times and nap at 1:15 every day. Not exactly the world I created for my kids. At that age, they woke whenever the spirit moved them, they ate snacks in their carseats as I lugged them all over the northwest suburbs and got to bed before midnight. I thought I was being a cool mom. I thought I was making them flexible. Was I just being lazy? Was I really making them undisciplined?
God knows I'd go back and change a few things if I could. But where's the guarantee that my kids would be struggling less if I jumped into that time machine? And who's to say what challenges await those adorable four year-olds (or their "perfect" parents)? There's a million and one ways to screw up your kids. With luck, you love them enough to overcome your mistakes.
So, at this point, I'll just have to take comfort in hearing my daughter reassure me that I was a great mom, that she wouldn't trade me for anyone, especially one who wouldn't let her watch a cartoon once in awhile. If she feels that way, I can't have done everything wrong.
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