Stepping Back

When one of your adult children hits a rough patch, it can be tough to come up with the appropriate response .As a mother, it's so easy to want to jump in and shield your kids from any financial/emotional/physical discomfort that might come their way but how often should we? While Beverly Goldberg (the original Smother - if you're not watching The Goldbergs, this reference will mean nothing to you) would say always and forever, I'm coming to the painful realization that we're not doing our kids any favors when we make a habit of heading things off at the pass. (OMG. I am so old that I'm now quoting things that Edgar Buchanan would say in a John Wayne western).

What I'm struggling with is this: Does parental intervention really help our little darlings in any positive way? Are we just coming to the rescue to make ourselves feel better? And, more importantly, please tell me how to get a good night's sleep when I dig in and let one of them sink or swim without throwing them a line?

Money is especially tricky. If I have it and one of my kids doesn't, it seems like such a no-brainer to break out that check book. But what does that teach them? That it's okay to buy stuff they can't afford; that it's okay to shirk their responsibilities and risk ruining their good credit; that it's acceptable to expect to be bailed out when they've dug themselves into a giant hole? Not exactly a parental legacy worth carving into one's tombstone.

I guess it's all about common sense; possessing the ability to be more selective in the times and manner I offer my help. While I'm not quite the pushover (read enabler) that I used to be, I'm nowhere near the "you're an adult, it's time for you to figure it out" kind of gal that I aspire to.  When it's crunch time my kids undoubtedly know that I'll be there to lend a helping hand or offer words of advice (unless I'm cruising the Mediterranean) but I also want them to realize they have the strength and ability to fend for themselves.

They may never have to worry about sleeping under a cold, snowy bridge but they just might have to find out what the world is like without an iPhone.

Stepping Out

I’ve always been a bit of an enabler (which is a little like saying Ryan Reynolds is kinda sexy). It’s not that I don’t know that people benefit from facing the consequences of their actions, it’s just that I don’t want anyone I know and love to suffer (duh),especially if there’s anything I can do to help it. I’m rational enough to know that this is the mantra of all enablers and I’m doing my best to quiet my inclination to step in whenever my kids are having a problem, but it’s often a losing battle.

It’s not fun to watch your kids struggle (another duh). Remember when our parents used to say “this is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you”? Turns out they weren’t as crazy as we thought they were. But our parents were tougher; they knew the value of those lessons that could only be learned from experience. My husband, raised by strict, no-nonsense parents that made my parents look a couple of hippies, would have raised our kids a whole lot differently, if only he would have had a partner that would have let him.

Now that full-time motherhood is in my rear-view mirror, it’s so much easier to see things clearly. If it’s true, as Maya Angelou says (and everything she says is true), that “you did then what you knew then and now that you know more, you’ll do better”, it’s time for me to do better. It’s time for me to do what’s best for them, even if that means not being there to brace their every fall. It’s time for me to step out.

And it’s time for them to have a chance to step up.