The Eyes Have It

Until a couple of weeks ago, I had never had a real eye exam. Oh, sure, I had blown through that big chart on the back of the door during annual physicals and passed the peripheral flash test at the DMV but I had never scheduled an appointment at an optometrist's office. Lucky enough to have been born with 20/20 vision, I just never saw the need to seek out additional medical personnel, especially after we hooked up with that high-deductible insurance plan.

You would think I might have been tempted when I took a tennis ball to the face a few years ago, but even then I played the waiting game. Then, right around forty, my People magazine started to get a little fuzzy. Still, I resisted. What did that expensive eye doctor have that I couldn't get at my friendly neighborhood Costco? Nothing. Did he have a four-pack of readers that I could strategically place throughout my house? No, he did not.

And then my friend Linda, who just happens to work for an eye doctor, found out about my optical neglect. Her subtle hints started with lines like, "Sure, it's no big deal. You can wait for awhile. We're just talking about your eyes" and ended with horror stories of a client who had no idea he was walking around with glaucoma and was now in the company of a hard-working Golden Retriever named Rusty. Okay, I'm exaggerating just a little but she did make it her business to scare the crap out of me. And she did a pretty good job. When my own daughter found employment in an optometrist's office, I knew my excuses were over. I made the appointment.

Turns out everything is okay. I discovered there is no eye chart on the back of the door, it's all electronic now. I also discovered that I can't make up my mind which looks better, one or two, when the doctor flips the lever on that lens machine. I'm still using my Costco readers, despite being told I'd see a lot better if I switched to a prescription. I know I should but I don't know what I'd do with only one pair of glasses.

A few days after my exam, Linda and I were both invited to a graduation party. Now was my chance to tell her the good news. I had finally taken her advice. I was no longer an optometrist virgin. At last I would be off the hook. Or so I thought.

"You didn't have dilation?" she asked in horror. "They can't see the health of the eye without dilation. When are you going back for that?"

I will. I promise I will. Right after I schedule that dental appointment.