Reinventing yourself is confusing. Just as I got comfortable with the person I had turned into, I found myself turning into someone completely different. Oh, both of us like pizza and Ryan Reynolds and still hate doing housework (why can't that change?) but there are some fundamental differences that I never saw coming.
I knew giving up my full-time mothering gig would require adjustment. I knew that I would have to find ways to fill my day that didn't involve driving a forgotten lunch to school or remembering how to do algebraic word problems. I hoped that I would discover new talents and rediscover some old ones. But I never imagined I would embrace solitude as much as I have. I never imagined I could go for hours without speaking.
Once afraid of having a meal alone, I now relish eating whatever I want with no one around to pilfer my goodies or critique my choices. Once uncomfortable with silence, I now think it's one of the more beautiful sounds on earth. It's as if I don't want anyone or anything to deter me from the pursuits I've been putting off for far too long. It's as if I have a new baby that needs constant attention and that new baby is me.
It's not that I don't love my family. It's not that I don't want to rekindle romance with my husband. I just don't want to do anything I don't really want to do. I need to find out what I've got left in me. I want to take a shot at making some kind of mark that says I was here; that I mattered; that I had something to say that was worth hearing. It's selfish and I know it. I always thought I would be one of those amazing old ladies that left everything behind and joined the Peace Corps. I've always thought Ayn Rand and her philosophy of self-fulfillment was positively evil. So why do I now think she might have been on to something?
Like I said, confusing.
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